Miscarriage is not something new to me. However, dealing with it the natural way is new to me and I found the internet lacking in information. There are very few personal accounts of miscarriage and then there are the dry and uninformative medical sites with some information. My first miscarriage was roughly six years ago with my first pregnancy ending at 8 weeks. We were stationed in Germany at the time and my OB performed a D&C the very next day. That was hell. I cannot tell you how many times I asked to see my baby and was denied every time. Not only was my womb empty after the procedure, but my heart felt empty too. I had ZERO closure. Every part of me hurt, mind, body, and soul. To top it off, my Mutterpass (a German “passport” for pregnant women that holds info from all of their appointments) had “spontaneous abortion” scrawled across it. That hurt me deeply to read such an insensitive medical term on my perminant medical record.
Fast forward a bit and now I have two sweet boys and have dealt with a deployment too. Not long after my husband returned we found out we were pregnant with number four. After the first week, we dealt with road blocks, spotting started at 5 weeks and the Telenurse had me believe I was having an ectopic pregnancy. To the ER we went and everything was fine aside from the gestational sac being small. After that my Hcg levels were being monitored every two days. Yes, I felt like a pin cushion and my left arm started developing a hard spot. My levels kept dropping and I was told in a very poor manner by a nurse practitioner that I was miscarrying and that I was still young and could try again later. NO, never ever say that to a grieving woman. Screw that, nothing replaces the child you are losing right then and there. That night I had cramping so I took some Aleve and downed a glass of wine thinking I was losing my baby.
Another Hcg check later (to make sure they were still dropping) and my levels went up. They wanted to be sure I wasn’t having an ectopic (hadn’t we ruled that out already?!) A twin was suspected…that I had lost that one in the previous week as a vanishing twin and that the other was holding on. I was asked to come into the OB office again for an ultrasound. Lo and behold, a precious heart beat was found. New hope, but I was still spotting but the cramping wags gone. The gestational sac was still small and I was told the heartbeat was week. At this point I was six weeks along, when the heartbeat just starts. Based on research, the heartbeat is usually low at that point. I came in again a week later and the heartbeat was slightly stronger and the baby grew, sac was still small. Still, I had hope. Intercessions to St. Gianna and St. Gerard kept going up. Prayers increased to God too and not just by me, but by many people. I felt those prayers and found comfort in them.
A week ago I had another follow up ultra sound and within moments I sensed something was wrong. My OB who had been great and very informative was suddenly silent with a dismal look upon his face, the screen out of my line of sight. When he finally saw all he needed to, he turned the screen towards me and said, “I am so sorry, I have looked everywhere and I see not even a flicker of a heart beat.” All I could do was nod, knowing from the start this was a possibility. He then told me what I would be emotionally going through and the insensitivity of others (to ignore it). His wife had gone through this four times, that is why he is so compassionate, he’s had to grieve all those times too. Next he said that he’d prefer me to go through this naturally since the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 5 days at that point and I was 9 weeks 3 days at that point. I agreed to it having gone through a D&C before. He said there is also a drug that speeds things along but he did’t want to put me through it. Apparently it makes the “cramps” (bull honkey, it is labor pains) more difficult to manage. I was fine with not doing that too.
As I write this, I have more labor pains that Ibuprofen isn’t even putting a dent in. They come in waves just like real labor, every few minutes and last a minute or more. Right now I can breathe through them or even pack up some of our house through them. Yes, as we go through losing yet another child, we are gearing up for another move. It’s the perfect distraction as we wait for the miscarriage to finally do its thing. The waiting around for it to happen is like torture (going through all the physical pain without the prize at the end), but if my attention can be focused elsewhere, I am fine. I like that I can get the closure of seeing my baby at the end. Also, to anyone reading this and going through a miscarriage, a great deal of churches will bury your miscarried baby for free. Just call around and ask. I need to get to that this week. My OB wants me to send my baby to pathology, no point in it since by the time I drive 45 minutes over there, the “sample” will be ruined. Plus, I’d rather not have a lab of scientists poke and prod at my child. I’d rather my child get respect and dignity with a burial.
I do plan on doing a follow up post as I continue to go through this. Sure I have the phsyical pain, but I still have nothing more than spotting. That is starting to concern me and I just might have to go to the OB on Monday to figure out what to do next.
God Bless!
Please excuse the typos! I will write in Word first and edit before posting next time. I just needed to get this all out. It helps me heal and maybe, just maybe this information will help someone else.
I love you girly!!!Hugs and prayers all the way!!!
I love you too Laureen! Friends like you help me gather stregnth thorugh these hard times. Thanks so much for being an amazing friend!
[…] through similar ordeals. I encourage people to check it out. It’s a 2 part series so far and this is the first part. I’ve known many people who have miscarried for a variety of reasons. […]
I conceive you have noted some very interesting points , appreciate it for the post.
Thank you
I am currently 11 weeks and have known for 4 weeks that I had a blighted ovum, but they wanted to make sure a baby wouldn’t grow so I have been waiting. Monday they told me my sac was still empty and there was bleeding around my sac so it should happen any day, still no bleeding or cramping. My sac has continued to grow all along and is close to 8 week size now.Thankfully after 13 blood draws in the last 7 weeks, my levels went slightly down. I have only ever had early chemical pregnancies so I am really worried about the pain and bleeding with this one. My dr (a man I had never seen before) told me most women experience mild cramps and slightly heavier than AF bleeding. That is not at all what I have read online so I don’t really know what to expect. If nothing has happened by Monday I think I am going to call and schedule a d&c, I have heard horror stories about both a d&c and natural m/c but I personally would just rather go in and get it over with instead of guessing when it will suddenly happen. Plus I have had to deal with morning sickness, fatigue and all the other stuff that goes along with pregnancy for 4+ weeks now knowing that I would not get a baby out of it- sucky to say the least!
On a side note for you, I know it sounds like you prefer not to send your baby in for testing, but if you did, the lab could give you a preservative solution (what they would put it in once you brought it in) so you could do it yourself at home. It is called hanks solution, I work in a lab at my local hospital. I just wanted to let you know in case you did choose that route.
Jenny, I am so sorry that you are going through this! I agree, the information from medical professionals and documented experiences vary greatly. I continue to have contraction like pain on and off through the day with nothing more than spotting.
I am going in on Monday as well. There is no way I can handle our house getting packed up and driving six hours down the road to a new base and risk the miscarriage happening all through that. Part of me is hoping that it happens this weekend so I can avoid going in until I was told to have a follow up. At least my husband would be home for it too.
Thank you for the information about the lab and solution and will ask about it when/if I go in.
Sending prayers your way.