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Archive for the ‘miscarriage’ Category

Last night, as I laid down for bed, it hit me. The 5th was when my angel babies I lost on October were due. It did not make me sad at all. In fact, I smiled. Here I am, 23wks pregnant with my rainbow baby, getting to walk for life today, and getting to see the photos of some dear friends’ babies as they enter the world this week too. It really is beautiful.

I know some women feel guilt or sadness as that due date approaches and they may/may not be pregnant again. Sometimes I think of my first loss’ due date briefly and carry on. It may sound cold, but it is not. God has a purpose for me, that is why I share what I do.

Where I was usually an open person to begin with, I am more so now. It helps me cope with it and based on what some of my readers have commented, it has helped them too. That is why I am here. By all means, if you have questions, ask me. I don’t bite. If there is an aspect in all this sensitive material that you want me to delve into more, let me know, I will do what I can.

Today, I walk for all the unborn, those in heaven and those waiting to be born.

God bless!

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I know this is a topic many will just turn their head away, but I am still putting it out there. My cycle returned 28 days after we saw no heartbeat. I was expecting it to show up later based off of everything else I had read and because of ovulating when the miscarriage bleeding stopped. I based my cycle start date for 14 days after my first day of ovulating and it came two days earlier. That was all I had to go off of to “predict”. When I had my D&C with our first miscarriage, 28 days after the procedure, my period came.

It started off really light at first and three days in, it returned to how my period usually is. Cramps came and went and when they came they were decently annoying but I did not need to take anything for them (please do not read anything in to that, I have a rather high tolerance for pain).

I know that not every woman has the same 28 day cycle or that it takes a while after a miscarriage for many to get back to how it was. I just wanted to put this out there so that women know that not everyone has to wait several weeks for their first cycle to return.

When are we going to try for child #3? That is still really up in the air. I have three classes until I graduate in June. It’d also be nice to actually be in our new home and settle in. I also need my follow up and I want to see about my vitamin D levels. A good friend cued me in that a vitamin D deficiency can cause recurring miscarriages. In all honesty, it is in God’s hands, just as it always was.

God Bless

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Post Miscarriage

Today the bleeding stopped from the miscarriage. The hubby and I rejoiced because that means we can have intimate relations again. However, I stopped myself and mentioned an ovulation kit so we can dodge getting pregnant again for a while. He then prodded me to get the kit and I did. Soon as I got home I tool the test.

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I am ovulating. That means no nookie for us :(. It has been almost two months since I was put on pelvic rest and then told to wait until the bleeding stopped. What’s another couple days, right? :p

I am also curious as to when my cycle will return. With the D&C my cycle came exactly 28 days after the procedure. I have no clue when my miscarriage process began. I had nearly two months of spotting/bleeding, it all kinda blurs together.

Thanks for all the support and prayers.

God Bless.

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It is done

Today is the day many of us pause and remember our babies who grew wings and went to heaven. Today is also when I went to the OB in hopes of the miscarriage induction drug (forgive me for not remembering the name). I had grown weary of the waiting and feared that I would be bleeding all over in a hotel room as we moved. The nurse whisked me into an exam room and asked the usual questions. She assumed that I had been spotting since 4 October when the HB was no longer present. I had to correct her and say 3 September is when the spotting started. She looked shocked and went to hunt down my OB.

Unfortunately, he was not in but another was willing to see me and wanted labs drawn and a u/s as well. Hcg checks are not fun, especially when you know it is to see the numbers drop and when the tech uses your difficult arm and wiggles the needle around. The tech finally listened to me when my right arm would just not give her a single drop of blood. Oddly enough, once my left arm was poked, the hole in my right arm started going too.

I had to re-check in at OB after the lab and was taken into yet another exam room. The nurse-midwife explained again the desire for a u/s and Hcg check…that if everything was clear and my numbers were dropping there would be no need for the drug. She went on the hunt for the u/s machine at that point. Soon after, she came back with the portable u/s and we saw absolutely nothing in my uterus. Just over a week and a half ago there was a baby there, two week before that, a heartbeat. It hit me like a ton of bricks for a second, then I felt relief.

By the time I got dressed again and the midwife returned with my Hcg numbers…4. My body had passed the baby and I had no idea it had already happened. She spoke with a doctor too and said that I was good, to wait two cycles and try again. Then she gave me a huge hug and told me that I was in her prayers. She told me to take the time I needed to compose myself. I couldn’t bear another second in a room plastered with images of developing babies, photos of infants, and a chart on cervical dilation. I bolted out of there.

Yes, I do feel at peace that this journey is over. I am glad that the physical pain should be gone. Emotionally, it will always be there…nothing fully heals you when you lose a child. It saddens me a little that I never saw my baby after it passed. Maybe it was just God taking extra good care of me, knowing the past few weeks had been rough enough. When we are ready, we will try to get pregnant. This one was an oops, but still very loved and adored.

Tonight I light my candle in memory of all angel babies, not just my own.

God Bless.

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Normally I would still be sleeping at 5:30am. Instead I am curled up in a ball on our couch typing this on my iPad. I would take an Ibuprofen right now, but I want food in my stomach before I take it and I really do not want to eat while my insides are feeling stabbed at in every direction.

Yes, my husband and I are both frustrated this isn’t progressing. We so badly want things “back to normal”. I know he hates to see me in pain too. He blurrily saw me hold onto my lower abdomen this morning and asked if I was alright, “kinda” was my response. With gentle prodding, I elaborated a bit more and told him there was no way I could sleep with this level of pain. That is when I tiptoed out to the living room.

Rewinding a tad, this week has been full of crap getting flung at us. We thought we found a house last weekend. The lease got emailed to us and I read all 10 pages of it and then the packets of info on asbestos and lead. This quaint home was built in the 1950s, high chance of both those horrible things being in the home. The law here says the landlord has to disclose if there is lead and asbestos in the property…the lease simply said, “unknown”. What a cop out. I emailed him after my husband looked it over and saw no military clause. I asked to see a full report on the asbestos, an inspection and assessment on the lead in the home and in the water pipes, and asked for a military clause. He replied back that he wasn’t going to do the testing, sorry it didn’t work out, and that he was mailing our deposit back. Square one again and that means we wasted money to drove there, stay in a craptacular hotel, and eat out when we could have just spent the weekend home.

What is the risk with asbestos? Well, we dreamed of adding shelves to the storage room. That would allow lead and asbestos dust to fly through the house. We already have one child who has respiratory issues when the wind blows around here. I do not want to see all of us like that. What about lead? That handy info packer taught me it could cause I fertility in my husband and I, we still want a girl thank you very much! Should I manage to get pregnant there, it will cause neurological damage to the fetus, generally ending the pregnancy in miscarriage (totally do not want that again!). Then with our living children it can cause ADD, loss of intelligence, and so on. Now do you see why we don’t want to take that risk? FYI, houses built after 1978 have to be lead and asbestos free.

We did try looking again but most rentals want $1,000+ and refuse to take in cats. We have had our loveable fluff balls for almost 9 nears, like hell are we going to give them up. The idea of buying is floating around our heads because we would be able to have our cats that way. Oh, some of you may be thinking why not live on base. 1. Houses built in the 1950s, same stinking risk as the house we wanted. 2. 958 sq ft!!! 3. They want all our BAH for that itty bitty house. 4. 2BR 1bath. To put this in perspective, the house we rent now is about 1,100 sq ft and fits us comfortably, though we did have to build a shed out back to store more of our stuff.

Last night we decided to eat out even though I was ok to cook. I got the enchilada rojas plate and was eager to chow down on it. When it finally came out, I took a bite and it was cold. Not room temp cold, but cold! I touched the beans and rice, same thing. The waiter took it back and I took our youngest to the bathroom. Once we came back, my “new” plate was there. Hubby took our oldest at that point. I carefully looked at the plate, my refried beans were crusty. That does not happen with freshly made, that happens when they microwave it!!! Then I looked to the left at the enchiladas, same ones with the single bite taken out of one of them. I gave it the benefit of the doubt and took one more bite, cold! I pushed the plate away, appetite gone. Yes, it was taken off our check and I will be happy to never return again.

Both boys are coughing again, just like last weekend. Can we please be healthy?!

To look up, I am happy to have my family, that we roll with the punches life throws at us. Hooah for resiliency training! It would be nice for something positive to happen though and for stress to melt away. Maybe some Hail Marys will help me out.

God Bless

***EDIT*** I did do the bath trick again and the contractions tamed down. However, soon as I stood up to shower, they spiked back up again. Contractions have been hitting me for almost 3.5 hours now and Ibuprofen isn’t doing much if anything at all. A good friend did some research and I am going to take 1 vitamin C each hour for six hours (max to take in a day is 6,000mg and I have 1,000mg tablets) to help stimulate the process further. It really won’t hurt anything and I have tried consuming vast amounts of cinnamon too with no real luck. If I can avoid going to the OB or hospital I will be a happy lady.

*EDIT 2* Further research told me that you should avoid Vitamin C with bioflavonoids like rosé hips to speed up miscarriage. It stalls it instead. I really cannot say if it helped me or not because the next day I still had contractions, though not as strong. Then I found out Hcg was at 4 and my uterus was empty. I have no idea when the baby passed, I did not pass any tissue, just very small clots (smaller than half the size of a pea) here and there. Nor have I had any heavy bleeding. The contractions seemed to only be in the morning and that was when most of my spotting would occur.

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Fair warning, nothing about this is covered up. I am being transparent in hopes that other women can know what to expect and their men can understand what their women are going through.

Perhaps there really is progress. Yesterday I felt cervical pressure on and off through the day. I thought I might be feeling it in my head and asked on the BabyCenter (BBC) board and called my mother about it. Mom confirmed that it is usual to feel a little bit of annoying pressure there and the one responder to my post on BBC confirmed the same thing. It was reassuring to know since I haven’t read about anyone else feeling that. A few weeks ago I had a nurse practitioner say I couldn’t feel my cervix opening for a miscarriage that it doesn’t happen. This was back when my second Hcg check dropped from the first one. As a studier of anatomy, I knew she had to be full of crap but we are supposed to trust our medical professionals, right? Well, sometimes. When you have a gut instinct, follow it, don’t ignore it and push it aside. Who knows their body better, the person living in it their whole life or a person who has studied the exterior of your body for all of five minutes?

Headaches came back yesterday in the morning too. I rarely get them and headaches/migraines generally hit me when my hormones are out of whack (three days post birth with my two sons). Last night around 8:45pm I felt nauseous, I hadn’t felt that in about a week so it caught me off guard. I figured that maybe it was another sign that things are in motion. It also left me feeling very tired. I held out until 9pm and managed to fall asleep to ignore the nausea.

This morning showed me more evidence that I could be having the miscarriage this weekend. At about 3:30am I woke up from contractions. They weren’t terribly painful, but strong enough to make me breathe through. Plus I bled a little through the night and usually the nights bring a “calm” to all this. Even as I write this, I get the occasional contraction. At first they were a few minutes apart and would last about 30 seconds.

I have done some reading up on the meds used to induce miscarriages and I am on the fence about it. However, reading those experiences helped me feel more prepared for the natural method.

How can you prepare for a natural miscarriage? Here is a list of what I have done and what I have read up on:

  • Have some pain meds handy and take them when the pain is still dull. If you wait until they get stronger, you may feel the worst of it before the meds kick in.
  • Place a towel under your sheets (I folded mine in thirds the long way for an extra buffer), have one to sit on wherever you may be in your home or car.
  • By all means, do not force yourself into jeans or anything else uncomfortable. Wear those PJs, preferably a pair you really don’t care about so when they get ruined, you won’t mind nearly as much.
  • Try to relax. Easier said than done when you are going through this, but it will help your body open up.
  • I have read about heating pads and how valuable they are for the contractions. Our kitty, Hunter, decided to lay on my tummy today, right where the contractions were hitting and it felt nice. Yes, our 15 pound kitty felt perfect right there (he’s super squishy and warm), it helped the pain melt away. I do plan on using the jasmine rice bags my mom made years ago for me should the Ibuprofen stop being effective.
  • When you feel the contractions get stronger, decide how you want to labor. Yes, this is labor don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I really want to be in the tub full of warm water. It sounds more peaceful and less stressful than sitting on the toilet (those are the only two methods I have learned. If anyone else has gone through or heard of others, speak up please!). Plus I like the idea that I won’t have to go “fishing” in the toilet afterwards. Everything will be clean in the tub.

If you have any other ways to prep for a natural miscarriage, please share. I am here to help inform. Hearing from others and reaching out is helping me cope. It is comforting to know that I am helping others as I go through this.

God Bless.

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Nearly a week and a half has gone by since we learned our baby has no heart beat. There is still nothing more than slight contraction pain and spotting. Perhaps a TMI, but I do want to be 100% open with all of you; I have had the runs for the past three days. Don’t worry, I am well hydrated. Remembering back to the actual labors of our two sons, I was either throwing up or having the runs the hours before birth. It has me wondering if this is normal with miscarriage too. No one has touched on the subject, so this is me opening the door, hoping others will answer and open up too.

With the days ticking down towards our move, I am left feeling antsy and frustrated. Why won’t the end come? I very much want this to be over with and to be able to move on. It pains me when our two year old pats my belly and says, “baby,” and I have to say, “No honey, baby is in heaven now. No more baby in Mommy’s belly.”

I could let this sink me down into depression but I am not letting it. I have been there and I didn’t like it. It’s not my desired place to be at all. The misery, weight gain, emptiness…I don’t want that. I am leaning heavily on my faith in God and on my husband. Right now it hurts not being at my weekly MCCW (Military Council of Catholic Women) and being surrounded by my sisters in Christ. I want to go but since I am still playing sitting duck waiting for this miscarriage to actually happen, I am staying home. I will probably do a Rosary around 8:45am so I can at least be praying with my sisters at the same time.

On to the weight gain issue, my husband and I started using the Lose It application again a few days ago. It is helping us keep track of our calorie intake/output. I used the application a lot while he was deployed and dropped 22 pounds and got back to the weight I was in High School. Since he’s been back, I gained 12 (thank you Disney World). Ok, not all of that was DW, about 3 of it is what I gained during pregnancy. Already we are seeing results and I am finding myself grab a yogurt or piece of fruit instead of cramming chocolate into my mouth. It makes me feel better about myself. Plus, it feels great having my husband alongside me to get healthier.

Once more, I’d like to mention my husband and how supportive he is. A couple of days ago I asked him if he’d write a blog post about his emotions through our miscarriages. I noticed a lack of information for us women and figured men must have absolutely nothing to go off of. So many men are raised to think that showing their emotions is not ok, that they have to bottle it all up and tuck it away deep down. No, they have every right to show how they feel. Women want to know, other men need someone to relate to as well. Yesterday, he blew me away and wrote a blog. Ok, not only that, but he started his own account here on WordPress. I’m proud of him for stepping up despite his initial trepidation. May more men follow suit and open up. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks to those of you who continue to read. I encourage every one of you to let it all out. It may seem intimidating at first, but once you start it becomes liberating.

God Bless.

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